Midsummer Angst

by John on July 19, 2013

“Yes John, but what have you shared lately? What have you shown me lately?” was the very direct answer that I was not expecting to hear.

The sad thing was that it was true and it hurt. I couldn’t let them see how deep it had cut, but inside I was mad at myself.

I have been sitting on the sidelines for too long. Why did I put myself in some self-imposed exile? What was I thinking? Is it because I’m afraid of something? What am I afraid of, failure?

The questions started to come at me fast and I had no real answers.

We ended the meeting on a positive note; I quietly hung up the phone and then closed my office door. I stared at the monitor, unable to process the emails and other open items on my desktop and then it hit me…

It’s easy to be a critic, but harder to put yourself out there. It’s incredibly difficult to open up yourself to criticism, to hear your ideas shot down by your peers in meetings, to be overruled by leaders who don’t fully understand your vision.

I’ve been acting like a petulant child and everyone knew it.

Finally, clarity.

I have some ideas on how to fix it, some ideas on what to do going forward, but I can see the damage that I’ve done, and while it’s not as bad as I think it is, it’s still pretty shitty.

In the immortal words of the Memuneh “A career without some [mistakes] is not a proper career at all”.

I’ve got a few things to work on and quickly. It’s time to get to work.

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